Tuesday, September 18, 2012

O, love's best habit is in seeming trust

I endeavor in the following scribble to resolve one of the most vexing situations that can ever befall a young romantic couple. What is this little pickle if not the longest lasting puzzle that has ever plagued all entanglements of amour? Yet here I offer my solution to this conflict: 

It will often occur that a lady may forbid her suitor from taking certain innocent liberties with her, even though it may be expected from her who is bound to tie the knot soon anyway. Her gentleman suitor may consequently construct her distance as coldness towards him and start to resent the treatment. The lady, for her part, believes that her lover’s affections are like gasses that need to be bottled up in a tight-proof container, lest, perhaps with time they dissipate into the air. She may think that the gentleman also needs to demonstrate patience in all his affairs and actions of life, but especially towards her person, before he can be worthy of her everlasting company. But although the lady may wear a cold demeanor upon her surface, on the inside she may still be bursting with passion towards him. 

Despite the force of her arguments, the gentleman believes that injustice is done to him. Had she not denied him those innocent liberties which his sex, from step to step, aspire to, and could he but gain access to her in her hours of heedlessnesss and dishabille (for full dress creates dignity, augments consciousness, and compels distance), they would have become familiarized to each other long ago and seen their love fully grow. But keep her up ever so late; meet her ever so early; and by breakfasttime she is dressed for the day; and at her earliest hour, as nice as others dressed. All her forms thus kept up, he complains that he made little progress in his love for her.

As his advances become more violent, her pride becomes more stubborn. One pushes from one end while the other pushes from the opposite, like a silly pair of donkeys. While the lady and her suitor are surely in love with each other, they differ in their conception of the ideal state of love. Oh, how vapourish I become when I contemplate the number of relationships destroyed under the weight of this pickle.

Fortunately, I have the solution that shall satisfy both the lady and her future husband. It seems to me that the truth has been lying in plain sight. You see, my solution consists in the lady’s doing nothing but continuing the policy of keeping her distance; and the gentleman needs but to locate a key-hole through which he may secretly a-peep on his beloved in her hours of heedlessness and dishabille; such as when she is performing her daily ablutions. The gentleman is thus satisfied in seeing his beloved in such a natural state, taking great liberties upon her person, while the lady is none the wiser for his a-peepings. She is, in fact, the more grateful to him for his demonstrating patience. If my solution be put to use, no one need sacrifice or compromise on any matter. 

If the gentleman still desires more satisfaction from his beloved he need only to contrive the following scheme: he must invite two or three of his lady’s closest female friends over the house; he must, at the same time, instruct his serving-man to spring himself upon the company after all the lady friends are assembled together in the living room with a fake excuse concerning some urgent business in Derbyshire that unfortunately will require the master’s immediate attention; the gentleman must express his sincere regrets to everyone for having to leave such charming creatures to themselves, bid them all adieu, and finally sneak out unobservedly to the garden behind the house and wait there until the lady and her lady friends have poured some libations down their throats and are seen frolicking together wearing only their petticoats. 

He may then sneak back into the house and locate a key-hole through which he may a-peep on these activities. The ladies will likely end up in bed together soon, or, if the bed be not large enough, they may decide to romp on the floor instead. Either way, the gentleman is guaranteed a delightful entertainment, from which he may also take the consolation that he is indeed strengthening his marriage bond.

My direct advice to the ladies is simple, try to ignore the strange yelping noises you may sometimes hear outside your bedroom door. 'Tis merely the wind and some floorboards creaking, shall we say? 

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