In which is contained a letter from a wretched libertine to a fellow-sporter

Letter I---Mr. Robert Trenton to Mr. Jack Brockden

If you could observe me now, you would see how I nearly tremble as I write this---yet ‘tis not in groveling self-abasement, but in mighty ecstasy, that I quake so to relate my latest debauch to you. I believe you are acquainted some with the industrious cleaning-lady who attends to my apartment twice a week. No doubt you remember the maid Consuela Muñoz performing her aproned offices around the house. Though it may be regarded as unseemly for us to be taking such notices of our house-cleaners--better that we pretend they are not in the room with us—yet ‘tis no where written that the Master of the house should also be ignoring their beautiful daughters, or as the Spanish prefer to call them, hijas preciosos. For Juliana Muñoz is indeed the charmingest and prettiest young lady I have ever laid my eyes upon---and a true-blue virgin---at least until now she was.

Her age---but what care I for her age when the subject is Cupid’s capricious arrows; suffice it to say that Juliana Muñoz is old enough to be in high school, where, you will be pleased to hear, she is a most promising student, which her mother, in her broken English, communicated to me.

It chanced that I met Juliana when her mother had carried her to work on some occasions. Juliana allowed me to keep her company; at first only in the presence of her mother; and then once permitting me to entertain her in my private chamber. For as I am a gentleman with a fortune---handsome in fortune and in appearance--and she but a working-class wench, shall you blame her mother for trusting me alone with her daughter? Mind you, the maid Consuela is just barely able to make herself understood in English. Make that two private occasions actually, the last one being but few hours ago; upon which occasion I unloosened her virgin knot!

Indeed, I have plundered the treasures of Juliana Muñoz’s body. I have made Juliana into a woman, or as the Latin races might call her now, Signora Muñoz.  

Containing accounts of ancient customs and habits, from James Frazer's "The Golden Bough"

"Sacred groves were common among the ancient Germans, and tree-worship is hardly extinct amongst their descendants at the present day. How serious that worship was in former times may be gathered from the ferocious penalty appointed by the old German laws for such as dared to peel the bark off a standing tree. The culprit's navel was to be cut out and nailed to the part of the tree which he had peeled, and he was to be driven round and round the tree till all his guts were wound about its trunk. The intention of the punishment clearly was to replace the dead bark by a living substitute taken from the culprit; it was a life for a life, the life of a man, for the life of a tree."

                --From James Frazer's The Golden Bough, chapter IX, "The Worship of Trees"

"The Hidatsa Indians of North America believe that every natural object has its spirit, or to speak more properly, its shade. To these shades some consideration or respect is due, but not equally to all. For example, the shade of the cottonwood, the greatest tree in the valley of the Upper Missouri, is supposed to possess an intelligence which, if properly approached, may help the Indians in certain undertakings; but the shades of shrubs and grasses are of little account." 

                                    --From James Frazer's The Golden Bough, chapter IX, "The Worship of Trees"

In which the author gives advice

I here reproduce a letter written to Dear Prudence, a famous advice colum from Slate.com, and I take the liberty of answering it myself.

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Dear Prudence,

I began dating a man last summer, and it has slowly turned into something serious. He is a great person, I am head over heels for him, and he indicates he feels the same way about me. We recently said, "I love you." We have excellent chemistry in the bedroom as well, but recently he brought up that he loves anal sex and that it's a fetish of his. We have tried a couple of times, but I often shy away and feel uncomfortable. He even told me that it's a make-or-break for him in a relationship. I'm a pretty open person, but I'm afraid that I'll never be as into anal sex as he is, if at all. Should I bite the bullet and just go for it or let him know that I'll probably never enjoy it to the extent he does and let this "break" our relationship?

—Make or Break

Dear Make or Break—

Though you may be “head over heels” for him, I must express some doubt about the real nature of his feelings for you. In short, it would be much better that you refused all his future propositions. ---More importantly, I cannot help but entertain the suspicion that your suitor had chosen you, not because of your wit or lively manners, but precisely because this “fetish” as you called it, urged him to find a virginal sphincter such as your own, so that "the fetish" may be satisfied. Yet if he finds no peaceful means to do this, he may chance to use treachery and deceit to get his wretched ends. ----He may, in fact, this minute be plotting some scheme that will enable him to make attempt upon your virginal sphincter.--- Your story is comparable to that of my own novel Pamela, about the virtuous Miss Pamela Andrews and her seducer Mr.B. Recall that in the novel Mr.B would also have made a wonderful husband for Pamela but that he first wanted to rape her. Pamela resisted his advances, and through her shining example, she did transform him into a gentleman worthy of the name.---Like Mr.B, your own partner first prefers to rape you, and then wed you. I think that all rational creatures would agree with my assessment of the case.

Containing some humorous observations

I post here a link to an article published today about yours truly, Samuel Richardson. The title of the article, is “(Don't) Finish What You Started: In Defense of Not Reading Cover to Cover,” from the Huffington Post.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/evan-gottlieb/dont-finish-what-you-star_b_3384692.html

In his article, Mr. Gottlieb says that he suspects that “had our new technologies been available to them, Samuel Johnson and Jane Austen would have embraced iPads, e-readers, and blogs as complements, if not substitutes, to more traditional literary vehicles.” This set me thinking. Maybe they would have embraced them as substitutes. I can only imagine, had they been born today, how those writers might spend their time.

Perhaps instead of writing novels, Austen might have kept an account on blogspot, called “Worm-tonguing,” posting snappy sketches of her life in the dorms. Here are my rewritings of the first sentences of Austen’s novels had they been written in 21^st century United States.----

Persuasion, first sentence---“Lauren Jensen, of Shaker Heights, Ohio, was a biatch who, for her own amusement, never took up any reading material but PopSalad.com; there she found occupation for an idle hour, and consolation when she was spazzin out.”

Emma, first sentence---“Kayla Anderson, handsome, clever, and loaded, with a comfortable home and an Adderall prescription seemed to unite some of the best blessing of existence; and had lived nearly twenty-one years in the world with very little to distress or vex her. But tonight she was getting shitfaced.”

Northanger Abbey, first sentence---“No one who had ever seen Amber Harris in her infancy would have supposed her born to be such a classy hoochie.”

Samuel Johnson’s Rasselas might have been related in a single tweet, “No one more dangerous than a nigga with a library card!”

It’s rather disturbing that Gottlieb brought up my novel Clarissa in his article without at all suggesting that it in addition to being the longest English novel, it also happens to be one of the greatest novels. I can’t think of a more relevant and effective antidote to our contemporary culture than a reading of my Clarissa.