Had Mr. Peter Pupsik written his
own life, in conformity with the opinion which he had given, that every man's
life may be best written by himself---had he employed in the preservation of
his own history, that clearness of narration and elegance of language with
which he expressed his ideas, the world would have had the most perfect example
of autobiography that was ever exhibited.
As I had the honor and happiness of enjoying his friendship
for upwards of twenty years; as I had the scheme of writing his life constantly
in view; as I acquired a facility in recollecting , and was very assiduous in
recording his conversation, of which the extraordinary vigor and vivacity
constituted one of the first features of his character; and as I have spared no
pains in obtaining materials concerning him, from every quarter where I could
discover, and have been favored with the most liberal communications by his
friends; it is clear that no other biographer could enter upon such a work as
this, with more advantages.
No truer remark has ever been made on the state of modern
man than that his life is full of contradictions. Mr. Peter Pupsik, born in a
country that no longer exists, exhibits these contradictions better than most
others. Since 1991, his birthplace, which once occupied one-sixth of the earth,
has been erased from all world maps; alas, as he expressed it, his paternal
roof has been dissembled forever. He was born in the place which used to
be variously called the Land of the Tartars, or Great Russia, or simply Rus, in
the northerly province of Z-------; which land at the time was over-ruled
by a Communist regency.
That he was remarkable, even in his earliest years, may
easily be supposed. An early illustration of many of Pupsik's later
characteristic traits may be given through the following description of his
early years, relating the hows and whys of his five-year long estrangement from
his parents.
Pupsik was not quite nine when the country's Premier,
Mr. Kh----, who had been governing over the country since before Pupsik's
parents were born, had suddenly died. Pupsik's father, a rather mousy creature,
had broken the sad news to his son. The death of Mr. Kh---- had occasioned a
great deal of lamentation among the Muscovites, yet no one was more apparently
afflicted than young Pupsik. Attending the funeral while perched upon his
father's shoulders, thronged by the Russian multitudes, Pupsik gaped at the
coffin as it passed through the streets of the capital. Back home later that
day a neighbor asked Mr. Pupsik how he could possibly think of bringing such a
young child to a funeral, as the massive assemblage could have easily been
stirred to a violent frenzy, endangering the boy's life. For 'tis well known
that in that part of the world funerals of public officials often turn into
bloodthirsty routs. The father answered, because it was impossible to keep
Pupsik at home; for, young as he was, he believed he had caught the true public
spirit and zeal for his country.
Indeed young Pupsik was much tribulated. For a long time following
the Premier's death, Pupsik was consumed with grief. And furthermore, he
displayed a certain amount of intolerance towards any perceived slackening of
grief and reverence for the departed Premier on anyone's part.
"Mamachka," said Pupsik at the breakfast table
"why did the Premier have to die?"
"Alack-a-day, dear son, every life must have a stop,
" said Mrs. Pupsika, " all of us will seek out of this world at some
time or other. Now eat the rest of your kasha. Go on, be a good boychick."
"But don't you think the Premier's death a great
calamity for our country? Would you say 'twas a very bad calamity, or the worst
ever?"
"Why, just listen to this little one here," said
his Father. "Whoever put such deep questions into your head? 'Tis no
denying, the Premier's death was a hard blow to our country, but now we have a
new leader, and we have recovered fairly well as a country. Eh, what say you,
dear wife?"
"Sure, sure" said his Mother, "and while the
leader is new to office, we must be generous to him and treat him as one who
might be worthy of our respect. For until he falls short of his obligations, we
ought to hold him in very high estimation indeed. Now eat your kasha, little
one,"
"Mamachka, don't you think the Premier rather too
young to die?"
"No, my boy, the Premier was an antiquary," said
his Father. "Dwell not over-much on such morbid fancies, let us finish
breakfast." As was natural to expect, the collective nerves of the Russian
people were made highly strung following the death of the Premier. Individuals
were conscious of their behavior being subjected to more public scrutiny than
was normal. The slightest deviations in manners from what was considered proper
was likely to arouse suspicion.
"He was a reeky codger, and that's the end of it. We
shall have no more on this talk," boldly said his Mother, then scooping
more buckwheat onto their plates. The father was made much content with
her generous dishings. Even had he wanted, he could not have said a word at
that moment since his mouth was food stuffed. Indeed the one person he feared
more than the Premier himself was his own wife; to whom he yielded his
authority, or whatever was left of it to yield, as gladly as he had to the
Premier.
"But couldn't some other person have been, I don't
know, substituted for the Premier?" persisted Pupsik in his inquisition
"and died in his place? 'Twould have benefitted the whole country."
His mother and father looked at each other quizzically, unsure whether to
admire, pity, or take alarm at the boy. They knew not what to make of his
ardent displays of patriotism, upon which he insisted the more eagerly as they
sought to temper him with what they thought was common sense. Might not the
Premier's death be the work of some cabal, he asked? Was not a complot laid to
betray the Premier? Did they not think there was a shortage of wailfulness
among the people? Why were no flagellants to be seen following the coffin? The
parents exchanged more puzzling looks, amazed at their son's precociousness.
While the Mother was too furious to say anything, the Father, after swallowing
his food, braced himself and managed to say, "Wouldn't my boy enjoy
himself more if he had another dishing of beet juice? You always said, beet
juice was your favorite."
"Damn your eyes, and damn your juice," squealed
Pupsik, "I demand greater respect for the Premier. Show more respect! And
why aren't you standing when the Premier is being spoken of?" He had
gotten up from his chair by then, and was now gesticulating with his hands most
truculently---- in such manner as to be no doubt familiar to those among his
friends ---or indeed his enemies, of which he had many more---who knew him in
his adult life. Till he had driven himself into exhaustion at the end of the
day, Pupsik's harangue was relentless; and no matter what they tried, his
parents could not bring his zeal under control.
The following morning, he seemed calmer. It appeared as if
last night's talk was water under the bridge. Yet two days later, a group of
gendarmes came by and arrested the parents, carrying them to a labor camp in
the remote province of B----. Pupsik was immediately placed under the care of
the State, and was delivered to a boarding-house located in an eastern Oblast.
There for a period of five years he was bred up, cloathed, fed, and taught. And
after the five years passed, he was remitted to his parents, who were discharged from the camp upon
completing their sentence.
Throughout the period of his residence at the
boarding-house, Pupsik had gained a considerable amount of friends and admirers
among the children, who were living there, as it were, in hock---some of whom,
like Pupsik, having put themselves there on their own volition--- as well as
among the staff members. For every body came to be awe-struck by his
personality, and they admired his efforts to spread patriotic zeal among them,
and to inculcate a sense of devotion to the State. His fame began to spread
after he related the story of his denouncing his parents. This abreption, as he
called it, was forced upon him on account of their less than indifferent
patriotism. This action was greeted with universal approval.
The children stood there and listened most raptly to Pupsik
as he spoke to them, often standing on his bed in his little slippers. In a
transport of fervor, he expiated on the need to defend the values of the State,
to be ever vigilant against the alien element, as he called it, and to wipe out
defiance before it begins. He reminded them, that as children they have a
unique, privileged role to play in this crusade; for, should they ever be
restored to a family, he preached to them the virtues of spying on their
parents, of reading their correspondence, of sifting through their drawers, and
even peeping at them through keyholes, anything to discover evidence for a
wavering of universal patriotism. He also managed to win the admiration of the
staff members, each of whom regarded Pupsik as their personal favorite among
the children, and so they treated him with certain allowances, such as extra
dishings of beet juice from time to time.
One of his major concerns, which would emerge later in his
adult life, can be traced to this period. During his stay at the
boarding-house, he instilled in the boys, ignorant as they were of such modern
notions---those shifty-eyed rascals, as he later described them---the regular
practice of taking care of one's teeth, the lack of which practice horrified
him tremendously. He taught them the proper use of a toothbrush and he taught
them not to eat the paste. This took some time in being fully adopted by them,
but Pupsik's zeal ultimately proved to be as effective in this mundane realm as
well as in the greater public realm.
As mentioned
before, after five years Pupsik's parents won the rights to recover him from
State custody, and they paid him a visit one day to carry him home. At first he
hardly recognized them, but he soon admitted that they looked rather healthier,
and that they had a more alert air about them. Before leaving the
boarding-house, the little family took a few minutes to sit for the road, and
then commenced the 1,500 mile journey back to the province of Z-----. The
parents thenceforth never again gave Pupsik reason to suspect their complete
reverence for the State.
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